Our Happy Place

I won't lie.  This year has been tough.  And all we wanted to do was to get away, go on our vacation, and visit our happy place.

But along with what seems like everything this year, our past vacation just wasn't what we thought it would be.  It started off a bit bumpy.  And to be honest, I burst into tears multiple times on day one.  I looked at Jeff at one point in time and said, well you knew THIS would happen eventually!  I was so upset... I felt embarrassed.  I just wanted to go home.  I hated having to explain that it had been a tough year and we just wanted to get away.  I felt so stupid. I just wanted to go home.  And for me to say that of our favorite place??? You knew it was bad.

We got home that night, back to the hotel, found one of our luggage damaged.  Had to deal with that.  I was just done.  Absolutely done.  Nothing had gone how I wanted it to go, and I figured this was going to be how our vacation was.  I was so sad. I was so upset. I was so angry. 

I wanted to pray, but I was just not going to. Why? Because I just didn't know what to say.  I asked my husband to say a prayer. Finally he did.  And he started off by saying out loud, I'm saying this prayer because Tracy wants to pray but she just won't do it, and I don't know why.  In his prayer he also mentioned that he didn't understand why things were going the way they were, and questioned if we were even supposed to be there in the first place.  It was a strange feeling.  Everything was strange.  Not how it used to be.  I didn't like it.  I wanted life back the way it was before.

The next morning we woke up with new eyes, new thoughts, new hearts.  The rest of the trip was wonderful!  I did have my moments.  I would see a pregnant woman... or a baby... or even a child and then I would think that in only a few years we would have been there with our little kid.  I felt a little empty at times.

There was something I forgot at times and had to remind myself.  I get a whole week to hang out with my very best friend.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, so just give in.  And I did.  And it was amazing!

I can't say I didn't get sad at times, but I can say that I was sure to laugh and live, and just have a good time with my husband. 

I don't know where I'm going with this blog really.  Maybe just to say even though things don't turn our how we want them, they are how they are supposed to be!  I was reminded of my treasure I have here on earth and fell in love with him even more.  I am looking forward to brighter, happier days.  for now I will just think of the memories we made this past week!

A Reminder to Pregnant Ladies... and to us, Mothers of Angels

This past weekend, I found out a dear friend of mine is pregnant.  As much as I a adore her and love her, and as much as she tried to wait for the oppertune moment and the perfect timing, it didn't go that way, and ended up with me weeping, her feeling bad for not telling me, and the person who unknowingly announced it feeling horrible.  It was a mess, but we all quickly turned it around.

I had just told my husband a couple of days prior that I know that when I get the news of someone being pregnant for the first time since my miscarriage that it would probably be hard for me to handle.  Little did I know how hard. 

My friend mentioned above had suffered a miscarriage years earlier. Because of this, she knows full well the pain and heartache that goes along with loosing a baby.  She had struggled with just how to tell me, without hurting me.  I could not blame her for getting pregnant, nor was it my place to get mad with her because of it.  But there is true heartache in loosing a baby, and when you see pregnant woman or babies or in this case hear of a friend's pregnancy announcment, your heart can and may break.

My reminder to pregnant ladies is this:  Please tell us about your babies.  But don't rub it in our faces.  I once had someone tell me during our two years of trying(and all the heartache that comes with that that they fully were aware of) that they decided to have a baby because it was easy.   We want to hear about the fact that you found out you are pregnant, but don't get upset with us if we cry.  WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS ABOUT US. We are human.  No matter how many times I try to swallow my pain, sometimes it comes raring back up into my face.  Don't hide your joy from us.  We do not have a disease.  It is not something you can catch, so please do not exclude us from events that revolve around your baby.  Just keep in mind we may not be able to attend as our hearts are still trying to heal.   When you don't talk about your baby, you are doing our baby an injustice.

For us ladies who have angel babies:  your friend's hearts ache for you.  This friend of mine held off because she was so nervous I would get sad and didn't want to hurt me. I had another friend who would ask me every month if I was pregnant before one month saying she hated to tell me but she was pregnant.  As much as we don't want to go to those baby showers, and talk about baby stuff... try it...  If you can make it for a little bit, for a very special friend, do it.  If you can't, THAT IS OK.  Send the mom a message, just let her know you are thinking of her, and  be honest, that you just can't handle it emotionally.  A couple weeks after my miscarriage we had a friend who had a baby shower, I was honest with them, and they told me not to be silly and that they were praying for me.

I told my friend, who is only 20 days behind where I was, that I appreciated her.  Because she had had a miscarriage, she must have had that fear come back to her when I told her we lost our baby.  I also let her know that her baby will be very loved... extra specialy so by me.  I made a promise to myself and to God that day... When I see her, or if I get sad about the loss of our little one, I made a promise to say a prayer for my friend and for her baby.  This is something I can do with my pain, something to take a positive turn around.

I am His Favorite...

Every November I will write something I am thankful for on my Facebook, one thing for every day. (and yes I went old school and used to do it on my MySpace! )

Here is what I wrote last night:

I won't lie, today is a day I feel a bit sad and I'm thinking of things that would have been: almost four months, soon to be feeling kicks from our baby, taking belly pics in Disney next week, planning for our future as a family, and gettin...g ready to be parents. That is not the path that God chose for us now. Even though I do mourn the loss of that baby and that new life we were to have, I can say that at these times, I am God's favorite... I know that I can cling to Him at this time. Had we not gone through this pain, I wouldn't know the feeling of Him being a healer, and if I never felt the pain I wouldn't know He is a comforter. So as sad as I can get sometimes, I remember that God has greater things for me and my husband.

 

Like I said on my post, I can't lie... Today is one of those days that I just get that sad tug in my heart... the one that just brings tears to my eyes... It is then that I fall on those who love me, and on the One who loves me the most... And I cling to Him and ask to hold me close... It's not always easy, and sometimes I want to get mad... But this is the best I can do...

 

Healing comes in time..

God put me there

I don't even know where to begin this blog tonight.  Today I realized that God put me right where I needed to be.  Time after time He does that. From having my husband and I join the church together in July to having out church family there during this tough time in our life, to placing woman into my life who have walked the same path I have started down.

Today two beautiful ladies and I connected and bonded over the fact that all three of us have lost our babies. It was amazing to be so raw and full if emotion and talk out loud to both of them and to listen as they told me parts of their story.

One if them told me something I had been longing to hear... Something I have been praying and searching for for an answer.  We are coming up on the second month before we can try to get pregnant again.  To be honest I'm terrified. What if it happens again and I loose another baby? What if it takes another two years and ends in the same result. What if  that was it, and I don't get pregnant again. What if next time I'm further along and things go wrong... Just all the questions that run through your mind when you have lost a baby and aren't sure if you should or want to try again.

My friend came to me and told me this. She told me she had been thinking of me and praying for me. She said she had to tell me something and went on to say that when I get pregnant again and she knows it will happen, that it is going to be terrifying. And that that is ok. It's ok to be terrified sometimes from second to second. When it comes to your body and pregnancy, God is the only one in control. A very dear friend of mine told me that when she was pregnant, one of those resulting in a miscarriage. She said she realized that in pregnancy you have no control over what happens. No matter if you eat the right things, stay away from stress, God is the only one in control of life.

All of this was just what I needed to hear today. God just has this way of putting you right where he wants when he wants you there. I was only able to see these ladies because we were campus surfing today.  This just all reminds me that you are where you are supposed to be. God will guide you there.

Even though my talk with these girls was very emotional and very raw and rough today, it was exactly all I needed to hear. God put me there.

My Rock Here On Earth

Today was a day I wasn't sure which way to turn.  One of those days I've been told by others who have walked in my foot prints that I would definatly face in my walk through healing and the days to follow me.

I'm not going to dwell on today and my feelings that I had. Instead I am going to take a moment to thank the person who has been by my side every step of this journey. This chapter in my life... Our lives. My husband, my love, my rock, my Jeff.

I don't know that you will read this or not, but I wanted to write it.  You were the first one that I told when I found out we were pregnant. You sat next to me when the doctor confirmed that we were having our dream baby and our world changed! You were there for every sleepless night, every nauseous day, every worry I had in the one month and one day we had knowing we were going to be parents, our next journey together.  You were there when we told our family and a few close friends that life was never gonna be the same for us.  We dreamed together.

I know it wasn't long and we couldn't feel the baby kick or anything yet but you would often talk to my belly and tell our baby you loved them.  And you prayed with me. And for me and for our family.

You were there and came to my side when we went for our ultrasound and the doctor asked me questions and I started to shake. You were there when my heart shattered and our world shook and we would never be the same... Again...

Jeff I could not ask for a more perfect friend and a more perfect person and yes husband to be by my side when I felt as though the world was pulled from under my feet and I was falling into a pit of nothing.  I see and read so many stories of woman whose husbands just didn't care. Don't care. Don't want to hear it anymore and don't see what the big deal is.  Yes you do not know how I feel and you have told me that, but you love me and my heart so much that you are by my side for the crazy for the sad for the beyond words days. When I just need someone to hold me, sit next to me, listen to me cry.

I know you miss our old life and my love so do I. But God is doing something big with us. I know that we both know that and we can feel it. He has such a work that he is performing in us that it gives me chills when I try to comprehend what He is going to do in our lives, as no pain is wasted.

I have grown more in love with you during this time. You have seen me at my highest then a minute later at my ultimate lowest. You are they helping me get back up. Slowly and surly. I will have my days and you know that and you've seen them. But instead of having me dwell on the sad you help me work on the good.

May 4th, what would have been our due date. This day will not be a day if sadness. It will be one of celebrating us, life, and our blessings. It will also be out DO date. A day we can do something for others who will walk the path we are on now. This was your idea. And I love that. And I love you. I don't know what we will end up doing but I can assure you it will be beautiful and our baby and our God will both look down on us and smile.

Thank you for telling me we will meet our baby in heaven. I will never forget that. Thank you for loving me even on my bad days. Thank you Jeff. Thank you....

Far from ok...

I want to just clarify one thing. I know there are woman who may read this blog and say ,"how is she acting ok?? How come she is fine?"

I wanna let you know that is far from the truth. I am still healing. I still have a long road ahead of me. I still question everything. Mostly I still cry. My heart is still in a million pieces, I'm hurt starting to slowly pick some up.

I will never be the same person that I was he morning of August 23rd and once again when my world was flipped I will never be the same person I was the night if September 24th. And that is ok. That is life.

I could have taken two paths when our baby became an angel. I chose to lean on God for my strength. I chose faith. It is what has gotten me by with the help of my family, friends and my church.

Had I miscarried a fee months before, I would have gone down the other path. One that easily Rilke have hurt both me and my husband and just set ha on a downwards spiral.

Do I have days where I cry? Absolutely. Moments I think I can't do it anymore? More than you think. Sleepless nights mixed with worry and anger, yup thise come my way too....

But when they do u pray... I remember Gods promises for us.  So even though I'm may seem ok, there are times when I'm broken...

Take care of each other. You never know what other peoples stories my be!

I am the Face...

"1 in 4 woman miscarry
1 in 10 woman struggle with infertility
I am the face of one or both..."

I have had so many woman contact me lately, I have been blessed to hear their stories.  A similar story also is infertility.  I have listened to many tell me of their struggle to have a baby.  Our journey started over two years ago, so I know of the longing and waiting and the wondering why it's not happening to you, and the wondering if you are broken.

It is something that can tear a marriage apart.  It's a very lonely road even though you are not going it alone. You don't want to talk with your partner about it, because is it you, is it me, who's fault is it? Why isn't it working?  I told you we needed to try on this day or that day, we must have missed calculated.  Then there comes the testing... The rounds and rounds of testing.

And if they find something wrong?  They thought I might have had uterine cancer.  For three months I wondered and worried, waiting for results and more tests.  It was at that point, after a year, before we were going to head to a fertility specialist that Jeff and I decided it wasn't for us.. Not then at least.  We had such a struggle for a year already and we wanted to just step back for a bit.  Go back to being us, enjoying us.  He told me as we left the doctors one day, "You are the one who always says if it's supposed to happen, then it will happen... So why would this be any different than anything else in our life?"

I know many woman personally and those who have reached out to me who have struggled even after seeing a specialist.  Woman who long to have a baby in their arms, to kiss their face, to feel their heart beat. Woman like me.. And maybe woman like you... Or one you know.

For now we need to heal, need to take a break.  If we decide later down the road to visit a specialist than we shall.  It is a very personal choice for many people.  I admire those who have taken that step.

I came across a website today, https://www.booster.com/lossawareness .  Organizer Kimberly Soule has also suffered a miscarriage and infertility.  She is selling tshirts to raise awareness of both.  All proceeds go to the March of Dimes.  On the tshirts is the quote I displayed at the begining of this blog... On the front there are tiny foot prints, and it says, "The loss of a dream... The struggle of infertility."

I am going to buy one of these shirts.  I do not know when or where or if I will wear it.  Maybe May 4th, our due date, maybe next October 15th.  Maybe around the house, maybe out for a walk, maybe to the mall.  I just don't know yet.  But I know I want people to become aware of this silent struggle.  

If you can visit her site, please do.  You too can help raise awareness for the faces of so many woman.