After our loss, I knew that I didn't want to stop trying to conceive again. I figured, it would be the best way to face that fear, but looking it straight in the eyes, and trying again. Since it took us two years to conceive our angel baby, I didn't even know if we would get pregnant again. Then... Just like that... 5 months after our loss, we were expecting again! But what I wasn't expecting was some of the feelings that come along with pregnancy after a loss... No one ever talked about that. I have heard so many stories of woman going on to have healthy happy babies, and that's great! But no one mentioned the emotions involved in a rainbow pregnancy. Here is what I was faced head on with, maybe they can help someone else.
1. Extreme Fear: Of course, there is fear surrounding all pregnancies. I had it with my first, and I am sure I will have it again if we have any other children in the future. The uncertainty, the what ifs... all those are always there. But after a loss.. every pain, every ache, when you have symptoms, when you don't, blood spotting, the anxiety before every appointment... They are intensified. You feel ok, you feel like all is going well... But how do you know? Some days you just have to pick yourself up and go. I have to remind myself that every single day that I get to have this little life inside of me is a blessing. Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"
2. Disconnect: When we first found out we were pregnant... Well... We didn't have much to say. For the first two weeks, we went about life as though it hadn't happened. It's a defense thing of course, as I don't want to feel the pain that I went through before. But, you can't help falling in love with the baby inside. It's hard... You almost try not to... Not that you don't WANT to... You just don't want to hurt. After each ultrasound, and after announcing it to friends and family, things have gotten a little easier. I am in love with our little baby, I just guard my heart a little more... 1 Samuel 11:27"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."
3. Guilt: Yes, guilt. Why is this baby doing ok? What happened with my other baby? You start to love on this new little one, and part of your sadness starts to fade away. I remember hearing someone once say that they didn't want their sadness to go away, because if they did, they felt the memory of their lost one would fade. Boy did I know what they meant! The more connected I started to get with our rainbow baby, the more I began to heal. That is the only way I can put it. I have actually put the guilt behind me, and instead it has been replaced with a gentle and more maternal love for my angel baby than I knew I had. I will never forget the pain or the sadness that I have felt and a part of me is gone since the day we lost our angel. But the healing that has begun because of this new little life, well, it has been life changing to say the least.
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me."
4. Compassion and Empathy: I knew that by starting this blog I was opening my life up to anyone who has felt the hurt that I have. I knew that I may get a few people who would want to tell me their stories. I knew when I wanted to give back to other woman who have lost their babies. But I NEVER knew that God would take my greatest pain and use it for my greatest ministry! God never wastes a hurt... I NEVER knew how many woman would be touched and contact me to tell me their stories. How many had never told a soul before. How many had never had someone tell them they had a loss and that their baby mattered. My heart has broken with them, I have cried with them, I have followed their stories, I have remembered to ASK them how they were, when all others had moved on. My heart has grown from this so much. I just never knew. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me"
5. Over Joyed: Once I realized I was beginning to heal, not to forget, and once I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, and once I realized that YES I am pregnant and YES this baby so far is healthy and strong, I knew it was ok to enjoy my pregnancy. Because I was so open about my loss, it has been amazing seeing the strong support system I have had around me! I have had many people tell me they have been and will continue to pray for us daily. My heart has been bursting with joy and happiness, and I feel very humble to know my story has touched so many. I can not wait for each and every one of you to meet our rainbow baby! In fact, I can't wait to meet them myself! Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen"
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