The next morning, I had a feeling... After work, I went to the store. Picked up a test. Yes.. that kind of test.. a pregnancy test. I was scared to death. I had no idea what to do when I looked down and saw two pink lines. My husband was in the living room and I peeked around the corner. He said what... with a voice like I was a kid and did something I was gonna get in trouble for. He walked around the corner and there I stood, with the test. I didn't smile, I just said "Yup." And he just walked away. Neither of us said a word. Not how you ideally want to find out you are pregnant, but after a loss... There really aren't to many words to say.
We spent the next week or so just not really talking about it. We didn't tell our families, we just... were. It was strange. Not like last time, not like with my first baby. I kinda just told my mom while she was in the kitchen, and she almost passed out, not from excitement, but from the underlying fear you have when you know someone who has had a loss or you have yourself suffered one.
I had blood drawn at 6 weeks, which is when I found out that my numbers went up, but didn't double. They were not where the doctors wanted them. I thought, please, not again. God not this time. Not with this baby too. I was told by the nurse, "Well, you are coming in in two weeks, if you start to bleed or cramp you just call us." WHAT!!! I called her back yelling, are you giving up??? I'm not giving up. My numbers went up, they didn't go down, right? Right.... So don't you dare give up!
It was then that I wanted to fight for this little life inside of me. My view started to slowly change... We were having our rainbow baby...
Things strangely started to fall into place. I figured out that our Due Date, May 4th, was exactly our three months. I decided not only would we be delivering the little hats to the hospital that day, but we would also tell everyone that our Baby Hilk was on the way!
Getting pregnant and being pregnant is not easy. There are many worries and fears. I freaked out at the doctor when she told me she didn't want me to have an ultrasound the day I went in, wanted me to come back. I think because my numbers were low, she had a feeling this pregnancy was not viable. I fought for what I wanted, what I NEEDED and we got to see our baby on the ultrasound for the first time at 8 weeks! Even the doctor was excited for us, and knew I wasn't joking around and meant business. Two days later we were back as I started to bleed. I wept... I cried to God, "not this baby, not again!" It was just a little bleed, and nothing that worried anyone. We were told we could come in at 10 weeks because I was nervous and get another ultrasound.
Tomorrow we go in for a check up and doppler listen. They may not be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, so we may get to see our baby again in an ultrasound. I can not lie, I am scared to death at every single appointment, and even in the days leading up to it.
Every time I have this fear, God brings someone into my life who has heard of my story and needs my help, needs to be told their baby mattered, needs to know they are a mommy of an angel. This happened again yesterday. It's these times that I doubt Him, that He brings me to my knees.
Here is a sneak peek of our rainbow baby: Baby Hilk. We don't know where this journey will take us. We pray it's to the hospital in November, with a healthy baby in our arms. Until then, we just trust in God and pray to him!
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