Today was a day I wasn't sure which way to turn. One of those days I've been told by others who have walked in my foot prints that I would definatly face in my walk through healing and the days to follow me.
I'm not going to dwell on today and my feelings that I had. Instead I am going to take a moment to thank the person who has been by my side every step of this journey. This chapter in my life... Our lives. My husband, my love, my rock, my Jeff.
I don't know that you will read this or not, but I wanted to write it. You were the first one that I told when I found out we were pregnant. You sat next to me when the doctor confirmed that we were having our dream baby and our world changed! You were there for every sleepless night, every nauseous day, every worry I had in the one month and one day we had knowing we were going to be parents, our next journey together. You were there when we told our family and a few close friends that life was never gonna be the same for us. We dreamed together.
I know it wasn't long and we couldn't feel the baby kick or anything yet but you would often talk to my belly and tell our baby you loved them. And you prayed with me. And for me and for our family.
You were there and came to my side when we went for our ultrasound and the doctor asked me questions and I started to shake. You were there when my heart shattered and our world shook and we would never be the same... Again...
Jeff I could not ask for a more perfect friend and a more perfect person and yes husband to be by my side when I felt as though the world was pulled from under my feet and I was falling into a pit of nothing. I see and read so many stories of woman whose husbands just didn't care. Don't care. Don't want to hear it anymore and don't see what the big deal is. Yes you do not know how I feel and you have told me that, but you love me and my heart so much that you are by my side for the crazy for the sad for the beyond words days. When I just need someone to hold me, sit next to me, listen to me cry.
I know you miss our old life and my love so do I. But God is doing something big with us. I know that we both know that and we can feel it. He has such a work that he is performing in us that it gives me chills when I try to comprehend what He is going to do in our lives, as no pain is wasted.
I have grown more in love with you during this time. You have seen me at my highest then a minute later at my ultimate lowest. You are they helping me get back up. Slowly and surly. I will have my days and you know that and you've seen them. But instead of having me dwell on the sad you help me work on the good.
May 4th, what would have been our due date. This day will not be a day if sadness. It will be one of celebrating us, life, and our blessings. It will also be out DO date. A day we can do something for others who will walk the path we are on now. This was your idea. And I love that. And I love you. I don't know what we will end up doing but I can assure you it will be beautiful and our baby and our God will both look down on us and smile.
Thank you for telling me we will meet our baby in heaven. I will never forget that. Thank you for loving me even on my bad days. Thank you Jeff. Thank you....
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