Our Memory Garden...

A few weeks after my miscarriage, we had decided that we would like to plant a tree in honor of our angel.  My mum had the idea and wanted to a rose bush.  Jeff wanted a red rose bush, and everything fell into place. 

Me, mum, and dad went to the garden store, got all the materials, came home, and so began our day.  Dad tilled the land, mum and me planted. It was very emotional as I was still in pain, and still very sad. 

We picked a Mr. Lincoln Tea Rose Bush.  Big bright beautiful roses that will bloom come this spring, maybe around the time of my due date, May 4, 2014.  No blooms yet... We also planted a couple of bleeding hearts, Jeff's idea.. and will add some baby's breath and forget me nots when the spring comes.  

Everything looks a little barren now, as it's autumn and nothing is in bloom.  We also don't have alot of garden decor yet, just a star with a glow in the dark marble. ( This past weekend a beautiful friend of mine, Vonne, gave me a Minnie Mouse pumpkin kit, which we decorated a pumpkin and put next to our rose bush!  She didn't even know about what had happened and didn't know that's why we had our garden.)

When we were finishing planting, my husband came home.  It started to rain a bit out, and we worked even after the sun went down.  We came in the house... I was sitting next to Jeff, and burst into tears.  He had no idea why, and kept asking me... I told him that I was so mad!!! That I didn't WANT to plant a garden to remember our baby.  I didn't WANT to have to do things like that.  I wanted to be planning baby showers, and picking out first outfits, and thinking of all the firsts that come with a little one.  I was so mad.  I was crying and yelling, and I yelled to him, Why did God do this? Why would He even GIVE me the ONE thing that we wanted, only to take it away from us?   He very gently and quitely looked at me and said he didn't take anything away from us.  He never gave us that baby to begin with because it was never ours.  It was always His... It was never ours love...

So I sat there and I knew Jeff was right... Does that anger come up still sometimes?  Yes... But when it does I just pray... no matter where I am, I just talk to God... I tell him this, I don't understand why this is happening.. I may  never know... but I know you love me, and I love you.. And that's all I can understand.