Two years... Two Months... One Month...One Day... Lifetime of Love...

Life can surely throw you for a loop.  It can flip around one minute and the next minute you are clinging to whatever you have to understand it.  This is my story...  This is our story.  I am one in four... But I am not alone.

About two months ago, at the end of August 23, 2013... I had this feeling... After two very long years of trying, we were blessed to find out we were finally having a baby!  My sister picked up a pregnancy test, I took it and BOOM!  Two lines.. Right away!

I told my husband, Jeff, and we were very excited, and a bit nervous.  A year prior had consisted of tests, a cancer scare, talks of fertility doctors, and alot of days blaming myself and my body on the fact that we could not become pregnant.  But, all that worry, all that sadness, gone in the blink of two pink lines.  I knew right then and there that my life as I had known it, had forever changed, and I loved that baby inside me from that second forward.  We were happy.

Two days later I was baptized through my church at their big baptism bash.  My sister confronted me about the test and, well, it wasn't hard for me to just burst at the seams and tell her!   We cried together in that little wooden bathroom, and she was beyond thrilled for us.  A week or so later we told our family.  My husband kept telling me it was so early, and what if something happened?  I said, "Well if something happened I would rather they know so they can be there for me, and more importantly, that they can enjoy OUR joy for as long as it is possible.  He agreed, and we let them in on the secret.

A couple days after we found our we were pregnant, we scheduled an appointment with our doctor, who wanted us to wait until September 11, 2013 to go and take our blood test and confirm.  Reluctantly I wanted the two weeks.  I just wanted an answer right then and there, to make it real!  Two weeks slowly passed, and YES, we were pregnant!  I remember sitting at the doctors and just beaming and smiling at my husband, it was finally happening!  We felt so awesome, told some close friends that night and that weekend, and our dreams and thoughts of the future with our baby were flooding in...

I was the happiest I had ever been.  Tired, yes, Nauseous, yes, but I didn't care.  We were having a baby, our family was gong to be complete.  And that is all I needed to know!  We felt God had heard our prayers, and answered them.  We knew this was all in His timing, and finally His timing was our timing.  Life was good!  Jeff would talk to my belly but really really softly.  I never got to hear everything he said, but I know he was in love with that baby.

One month and one day later, we were going to get to see our baby for the FIRST time!  We had a dating ultrasound to see if I was 8 or 9 weeks and to find our due date, which I had figured out through calculations and an app of course (yes, there is an app for that) was May 4th, 2014.  The night prior, I was on a Facebook group for "MayFlowers", woman who were due in May.  Three of those woman asked to be taken off the page because they had lost their babies and found out that day. I went to bed that night, and wept and we prayed for them.  Jeff and I, as I wept, we prayed for their hearts, and we knew they must be so broken.  I selfishly prayed for a strong heartbeat for our baby, as they had not found theirs.

The next day came and I was a ball of emotions... Excited, nervous... I had people all over praying for me, and close friends and family texting and calling, asking me when everything was happening.  Our appointment was at 6:45, down the street from where I live.  Work ended and we took the drive.  I was soooo wicked excited.  We went in, I had to go to into the rest room and get changed into the hospital gown.  I couldn't hold my phone, I remember thinking, well I want to have it with me to take a picture, video, then thinking, nah it's ok.  They will give me a picture!

The tech asked me some date questions and away we went.  A minute or so into the ultrasound, she asked me if I was sure of my dates... If I could have gotten them wrong.  RIGHT then and THERE, I knew... something was terribly wrong.  I was so sure of my dates, yes, because of another app.  I started to shake.  Jeff got up and stood next to me.  We saw our little baby for the first time.  The tech didn't say anything... No, oh look at this, and oh listen to this... And I just knew in my heart of hearts things had gone bad...
Jeff asked if that was our little "kidney bean" as we had been naming the baby after fruits from a website.
She said yes, and just moved along.  We asked well what is that ?  It's where the pregnancy began.  And what is that?  It's the umbilical cord.  She kept saying maybe we were wrong on the dates, maybe we came in to early.... I know we weren't early.  She said we measured more like 6 weeks... and even at that... she never mentioned a heartbeat.

We ended everything, and she asked us to wait, wanted to check my blood levels and a radiologist would look at the pictures.   The next hour of my life was one of the worst ones.  I begged, pleaded with God, not our baby, PLEASE not our baby... I don't want to go loose this baby... God please, you blessed us, don't take it from us.  I begged. I wept.  My husband sat next to me, holding my hand.  A lady in the waiting room got tissues from the desk and brought them to me. She said, "I have been where you are..."

That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had no idea what she was there for.. or why, and I didn't care.  At the moment, I just wanted our baby to be ok. When I think back on it now and what I know, I wish her and I could have hugged, and talked, and she could have told me how to cope with what I would soon find out.

The tech called us in her office, told us she had been trying to get our doctor but couldn't.  She told me to go home and call this other doctor that they would be able to give me some answers.  I wept and kept saying, something is wrong, just let me know, tell me... something is wrong, what's wrong!!  She kept telling me I was probably just to early and not to say that... and don't think that way....

We walked out the doors.  I was shaking, crying so hard I threw up right there in the parking lot.  I didn't want to go home.  I didn't want to call that doctor.  I didn't want to hear them say anything than our baby was ok.  I called them and waited.  My sister called in the mean time, and I thought it was the doctor.  I freaked out and told her I would call her back.  Finally the phone rang.  I can't tell you the doctors name, what time of day it was, or anything like that, all I know is what I heard on the other end of the phone...

"Tracy... are you sure on your dates?"  "Yes, I'm positive."  "Oh Tracy, then I'm so sorry to tell you this... I am 99% positive you have miscarried. I am so sorry."

I can't remember much else she said.  I know the feelings I had as I sat in my computer chair, THIS computer chair.  These feelings came from deep inside... I cried like I never knew I could cry.  Our baby, our one little baby, the one we had been wishing for and praying for for years, was now in Heaven.

We would never hold our baby, kiss our baby, count their little toes, nibble on their cheeks.  We would never wish them a happy birthday, see them go to their first day of school, hold their hand.  I was heartbroken.  I still am.

We broke the news to our family, which was absolutely devastating.  I will never forget that.  I felt as though someone had died, had been ripped out of my arms.  I didn't know where to go, what to do.  My family prayed in that living room that night.  Prayed for healing, for strength.

The next few days were filled with sadness, anger, guilt, everything that comes with grief.  We talked with the doctor the next am on the phone who confirmed everything.  We went in the day after, and went over our options: the pill that is called the abortion pill, which I had to take the year before for a test they were running and thought I had died, let it happen naturally, or a d and c, where they remove your baby from your uterus.
I refused the pill, I could not emotionally let it happen naturally, so we chose the D and C.  I had to wait till 4pm on Friday to have that done.

At the hospital I went through every emotion.  What if I was wrong?  What if they were wrong?  What if I don't wake up?  Jeff and I cried when I said that.. He said then I would be the first to meet our baby... I kept crying that I didn't want to be there for that. They make you have the surgery in labor and delivery.  It was horrible.  I had to get an IV which I almost passed out when they gave me.  I had a hard time with that.  I just didn't want to be there for that.... I didn't want to say goodbye... and what if I was making a mistake?

My surgery went over fine... I recovered well, besides the emotional part of it, and was back at work on Monday... ended up having to take some time off as I found myself in extreme pain and could not cope emotionally.

Why am I telling my story?  Because there are too many people who keep quite about this and deal with it alone.  It is amazing the more I told people, the more they told me they had a simliar experience or someone they know went through that.  I realized I wasn't alone.  There are groups, forums, aunts, moms, sisters, friends, who have been there, who have been broken.

Tomorrow marks a month to the day that we found out our baby went to Heaven.  I couldn't stay silent anymore. I wanted to, and needed to share. I needed people to know, if they are struggling, they are not alone.  I am no where close to being ok and feeling good, but I know that if I did not have my husband, my family, my church family, and my God to cling to, I would be lost.  Jeff and I started back at church just the month before we found out we were pregnant, in July. God knew what he was doing when we got us back involved and drew us closer to Him.  Had He not, I do not know where I would be today. I know I would be lost, our marriage would be breaking, and things just would not be good.

This blog is not a pity blog.  This is not something I want you to feel sorry about.  I want this to help someone.  I will never understand the why... I will never know the how come... I just know it happened, and God has a reason for it that may not even have to do with me.

I needed to share in hopes this can help someone cling to Him.  There is a song I listen to called Blessings.  Part of it goes, like this, "What if your blessings come through raindrops?  What if your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

We will never forget Our Little One, Too Beautiful for Earth... But we will always have comfort knowing that our baby is waiting for us, in God's arms...