This Grief is Mine

I never realized how personal grief is until I lost my first baby to miscarriage. Yes, I have lost people in my life: grand parents, friends, coworkers, family... I have certainly felt moments of missing them after they were gone. And don't get me wrong, I still do at times.  I've always been able to just pick myself up and keep going though.

Not with this. Not with my baby. There are days I wake up, happy, excited, the. I crash in a second and find myself in tears and hiding in the bathroom at work, or behind a book in the bus... There are other days that I just don't want to get out of bed... I don't want to move and it hurts to breath.  Sometimes I worry what others will say... "Tracy just pray about it," "Tracy God has a plan so stop being sad" "Tracy your time will come it just wasn't now."  I've worried about this for the past three months feeling that I need to just pick up myself and go.

I realized this week that grief is different for every single person. And I realized I have to stop being so hard on myself and that I need to let myself hurt and cry and grow from this. That if something makes me think of my baby and makes me cry it's ok. That if I want to talk about my baby it's ok. That I will never get over loosing my baby and it's ok.  Things may get a bit easier... But I will never be ok and THAT IS OK!

Right now I am surrounded by a few friends who are pregnant and my heart, as happy as I want to be for them, breaks and cracks for me every time I see an ultrasound picture, hear a story about the future and see their bellys grow.  And it's ok for me to feel this way. I may love my friends but that doesn't change what happened to me.  I'm not the girl who had the miscarriage, this isn't who I am. I'm still me but this is something that happened to me. Sometimes I get down because I think that others see me simple as Tracy, the girl who lost her baby... When in reality, the reason people know what happened is because I choose to tell my story to help others.

I was searching Gods word for some verses in comfort... As I know he is holding me so tight and so close... I kept feeling maybe I was sinning or doing something wrong because it's been a few months and I still get sad... God is faithful and reminded me that it's ok to be sad! And that being sad isn't something that God would be mad at me over, because he's not mad at me, he's mad about me.

Here are some that touched my heart...

Matthew 5:4

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

Psalm 18:2

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I need to remember there is not a time line to grief and mine is different from yours. Grief surely can consume you... It's how you choose to deal with it that determines how you heal. For me, I choose to keep my baby in my heart and my mind and have the best comfort that my baby is in the arms of my Savior. 

He knows...

I wrote my blog earlier... Feeling down in the bumps and sad and missing my baby and the what ifs... God reminded me so many ways tonight that I am loved... That I have affected people just by opening up and sharing my story. By a few gifts I was given by a friend whom I hardly know but has been moved by my story... To a little picture another Friend drew for me ... To the mug my dad found today out of the blue... To a text from a close friend just reminding me of Gods promises... To happening to listening in to a live devotional and it hit very single point I needed to hear... Thank you God... You do know all I need.... 

Christmas Baby Blues

Like any grief, a miscarriage brings the same emotions.  I thought, I'll be ok.  The holidays won't be an issue because, well, my baby  never made it to the holidays, so I won't be missing anything.  I will be fine, and just time will go on, and we will get through this, no problem! 

Wrong.  I had no idea that I would have these feelings.  I am so loved and so supported by friends, family, and a community of other mommy's of angels.  I lost my baby at only  8-9 weeks...  But it was long enough to know I loved every single little hope, dream, and minute of that baby's life. 

My heart and my body have been longing for our little one lately.  I don't dread the holidays, I don't dread Christmas.  I am just sad.  Yes, all in God's time... Yes, He knows my hearts desires... Yes, the pain of losing a baby, no matter how far along, is something that never goes away.

This Christmas in all the hussle and bussle, don't forget there are those out there with broken hearts.  Be patient if they get a little down or don't want to go here or there.  Don't get on them because maybe they don't want to decorate the Christmas tree.  Love on them when they get tears in their eyes from watching the little loved ones they have in thier lives enjoy the magic of Christmas.

Our Happy Place

I won't lie.  This year has been tough.  And all we wanted to do was to get away, go on our vacation, and visit our happy place.

But along with what seems like everything this year, our past vacation just wasn't what we thought it would be.  It started off a bit bumpy.  And to be honest, I burst into tears multiple times on day one.  I looked at Jeff at one point in time and said, well you knew THIS would happen eventually!  I was so upset... I felt embarrassed.  I just wanted to go home.  I hated having to explain that it had been a tough year and we just wanted to get away.  I felt so stupid. I just wanted to go home.  And for me to say that of our favorite place??? You knew it was bad.

We got home that night, back to the hotel, found one of our luggage damaged.  Had to deal with that.  I was just done.  Absolutely done.  Nothing had gone how I wanted it to go, and I figured this was going to be how our vacation was.  I was so sad. I was so upset. I was so angry. 

I wanted to pray, but I was just not going to. Why? Because I just didn't know what to say.  I asked my husband to say a prayer. Finally he did.  And he started off by saying out loud, I'm saying this prayer because Tracy wants to pray but she just won't do it, and I don't know why.  In his prayer he also mentioned that he didn't understand why things were going the way they were, and questioned if we were even supposed to be there in the first place.  It was a strange feeling.  Everything was strange.  Not how it used to be.  I didn't like it.  I wanted life back the way it was before.

The next morning we woke up with new eyes, new thoughts, new hearts.  The rest of the trip was wonderful!  I did have my moments.  I would see a pregnant woman... or a baby... or even a child and then I would think that in only a few years we would have been there with our little kid.  I felt a little empty at times.

There was something I forgot at times and had to remind myself.  I get a whole week to hang out with my very best friend.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, so just give in.  And I did.  And it was amazing!

I can't say I didn't get sad at times, but I can say that I was sure to laugh and live, and just have a good time with my husband. 

I don't know where I'm going with this blog really.  Maybe just to say even though things don't turn our how we want them, they are how they are supposed to be!  I was reminded of my treasure I have here on earth and fell in love with him even more.  I am looking forward to brighter, happier days.  for now I will just think of the memories we made this past week!

A Reminder to Pregnant Ladies... and to us, Mothers of Angels

This past weekend, I found out a dear friend of mine is pregnant.  As much as I a adore her and love her, and as much as she tried to wait for the oppertune moment and the perfect timing, it didn't go that way, and ended up with me weeping, her feeling bad for not telling me, and the person who unknowingly announced it feeling horrible.  It was a mess, but we all quickly turned it around.

I had just told my husband a couple of days prior that I know that when I get the news of someone being pregnant for the first time since my miscarriage that it would probably be hard for me to handle.  Little did I know how hard. 

My friend mentioned above had suffered a miscarriage years earlier. Because of this, she knows full well the pain and heartache that goes along with loosing a baby.  She had struggled with just how to tell me, without hurting me.  I could not blame her for getting pregnant, nor was it my place to get mad with her because of it.  But there is true heartache in loosing a baby, and when you see pregnant woman or babies or in this case hear of a friend's pregnancy announcment, your heart can and may break.

My reminder to pregnant ladies is this:  Please tell us about your babies.  But don't rub it in our faces.  I once had someone tell me during our two years of trying(and all the heartache that comes with that that they fully were aware of) that they decided to have a baby because it was easy.   We want to hear about the fact that you found out you are pregnant, but don't get upset with us if we cry.  WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS ABOUT US. We are human.  No matter how many times I try to swallow my pain, sometimes it comes raring back up into my face.  Don't hide your joy from us.  We do not have a disease.  It is not something you can catch, so please do not exclude us from events that revolve around your baby.  Just keep in mind we may not be able to attend as our hearts are still trying to heal.   When you don't talk about your baby, you are doing our baby an injustice.

For us ladies who have angel babies:  your friend's hearts ache for you.  This friend of mine held off because she was so nervous I would get sad and didn't want to hurt me. I had another friend who would ask me every month if I was pregnant before one month saying she hated to tell me but she was pregnant.  As much as we don't want to go to those baby showers, and talk about baby stuff... try it...  If you can make it for a little bit, for a very special friend, do it.  If you can't, THAT IS OK.  Send the mom a message, just let her know you are thinking of her, and  be honest, that you just can't handle it emotionally.  A couple weeks after my miscarriage we had a friend who had a baby shower, I was honest with them, and they told me not to be silly and that they were praying for me.

I told my friend, who is only 20 days behind where I was, that I appreciated her.  Because she had had a miscarriage, she must have had that fear come back to her when I told her we lost our baby.  I also let her know that her baby will be very loved... extra specialy so by me.  I made a promise to myself and to God that day... When I see her, or if I get sad about the loss of our little one, I made a promise to say a prayer for my friend and for her baby.  This is something I can do with my pain, something to take a positive turn around.

I am His Favorite...

Every November I will write something I am thankful for on my Facebook, one thing for every day. (and yes I went old school and used to do it on my MySpace! )

Here is what I wrote last night:

I won't lie, today is a day I feel a bit sad and I'm thinking of things that would have been: almost four months, soon to be feeling kicks from our baby, taking belly pics in Disney next week, planning for our future as a family, and gettin...g ready to be parents. That is not the path that God chose for us now. Even though I do mourn the loss of that baby and that new life we were to have, I can say that at these times, I am God's favorite... I know that I can cling to Him at this time. Had we not gone through this pain, I wouldn't know the feeling of Him being a healer, and if I never felt the pain I wouldn't know He is a comforter. So as sad as I can get sometimes, I remember that God has greater things for me and my husband.

 

Like I said on my post, I can't lie... Today is one of those days that I just get that sad tug in my heart... the one that just brings tears to my eyes... It is then that I fall on those who love me, and on the One who loves me the most... And I cling to Him and ask to hold me close... It's not always easy, and sometimes I want to get mad... But this is the best I can do...

 

Healing comes in time..

God put me there

I don't even know where to begin this blog tonight.  Today I realized that God put me right where I needed to be.  Time after time He does that. From having my husband and I join the church together in July to having out church family there during this tough time in our life, to placing woman into my life who have walked the same path I have started down.

Today two beautiful ladies and I connected and bonded over the fact that all three of us have lost our babies. It was amazing to be so raw and full if emotion and talk out loud to both of them and to listen as they told me parts of their story.

One if them told me something I had been longing to hear... Something I have been praying and searching for for an answer.  We are coming up on the second month before we can try to get pregnant again.  To be honest I'm terrified. What if it happens again and I loose another baby? What if it takes another two years and ends in the same result. What if  that was it, and I don't get pregnant again. What if next time I'm further along and things go wrong... Just all the questions that run through your mind when you have lost a baby and aren't sure if you should or want to try again.

My friend came to me and told me this. She told me she had been thinking of me and praying for me. She said she had to tell me something and went on to say that when I get pregnant again and she knows it will happen, that it is going to be terrifying. And that that is ok. It's ok to be terrified sometimes from second to second. When it comes to your body and pregnancy, God is the only one in control. A very dear friend of mine told me that when she was pregnant, one of those resulting in a miscarriage. She said she realized that in pregnancy you have no control over what happens. No matter if you eat the right things, stay away from stress, God is the only one in control of life.

All of this was just what I needed to hear today. God just has this way of putting you right where he wants when he wants you there. I was only able to see these ladies because we were campus surfing today.  This just all reminds me that you are where you are supposed to be. God will guide you there.

Even though my talk with these girls was very emotional and very raw and rough today, it was exactly all I needed to hear. God put me there.