4 Months Today

Today marks 4 months from the day that we discovered our little baby had grown their angel wings. 4 months from the first and only time we got to see our little baby... 4 months from the saddest moment of my life to date.  4 months from when my world flipped upside down.


I've come along way.  Healing ok.. learning to live with my new normal.  They say time heals all things.... It's more about just learning how to deal with the pain, the sadness.  That I have been doing well.


The ladies helping me with my "Do Date" event have been amazing, as have the people from all over who are donating and have donated to our cause: to make sure no angel mother leaves the hospital empty handed, and they know they are not alone. 


There are those days... oh those days that break your heart.  You see another pregnancy announcement, people avoid you while they talk about their babies, you don't know what to say to someone who asks if you have children, your heart is still shattered.  Those days are the days I remind myself of God's promise to me.  I know that there will some day be a rainbow. 


A rainbow comes after the storm.  It's a reminder that God has promises for me.  Again whether that means an angel baby, a new calling in life, bringing those close to Him through my pain, His story for my glory, helping those woman who need reminders they are loved, not alone, and not lost in their time of need, I don't know.  But I know that God has promises for me.  Way beyond my dreams and my imaginations.


I remind myself that HE will set a rainbow in the sky of my life.  That I am His child and he will watch over and protect me.


4 months... I can still remember every second of that day... I will never forget the pain and the heartache... But I will always look for the rainbow.

Didn't Know What To Say...

This blog has been stirring in my head for a few days now... And I'm not even sure what I want to say with this or where it's going, but I need to get it out.

Last week I was at a get together, and someone I had just met asked me if I had any children... Immediately my face got hot, I felt flush and burning up all at the same time.  I thought I was going to pass out.  I didn't realize that my mouth spoke before my heart, and I had uttered the words no...

Why did I do that?  Why didn't I say yes?  Was I worried about the questions that would follow: how old? boy or girl? what is their name?  I don't know why I said no.. I just did.  And I wanted to cry.  I was disappointed in myself.  How could I, the woman who runs this blog, who shares her story with strangers, who is working on items for my "due date", and setting up an event to help other mother's of angels... How did I just deny my child their existence?

I wanted to take it back... Instantly.  I wanted to say YES!!! Yes I do have a baby, and my baby is an angel, and my baby is always with me!  But I didn't.  Instead I just wanted to cry.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Is this the new thing I will face after suffering the loss of my child?  

I have been so upset since this day.  This one word answer, No... Has just broken me all over again.  I am getting stronger, I am coming up on four months since I lost my baby... And I'm healing at an ok pace, at MY pace...

I don't know what I will say next time someone asks me, I would like to think I would say yes... I feel bad and I feel like I need to apologize... To who? I don't know... I just know that my baby is always in my heart.. You are always in my heart little one, and I'm sorry I didn't say you were my angel...

In Awe Over One Tiny Hat...

This Christmas I was given one of the sweetest most simple gifts I have ever received.  A tiny, itty, bitty baby hat, the one above.  This little tiny hat warmed my heart and rocked me to the core.  It opened old wounds, but in a good way.

I asked my friend for the name of the woman who made this little thing. Her name is Kelly.  We talked.  She is also a mother of an angel, a beautiful itty bitty baby love named Brigit.  Brigit came to this world at only 24 weeks and left this world two days later, but not without leaving a legacy.  You see, Brigit wasn't treated well when she was born to tiny and to small and did not make it.  She was not buried properly.  And why?  Because she was just to small, and those at the hospital didn't think of her as being someone's most precious little baby.  She was buried without a hat... clothes... a blanket.  Nothing.

Kelly went home broken and with empty arms.  She had a best friend teach her how to make these little hats, and memorial items and also burial items for the tiniest of little babies that become angels before they ever become children.  It is Brigit's legacy.  The way she can honor her little baby.

Her and I talked...  We connected as all mothers who have suffered infant loss/ miscarriage/ or stillborn births do.  We shared stories... and I'm sure tears.  She shared a picture of her absolutely beautiful tiny little one... My heart melted and broke for her.  In fact, as I write, I have Brigit's picture up on my computer... Sweet little baby love...

I talked to her about my due date, and how I wanted to DO something for those who are going through what we did.  I didn't want one more lady to leave the hospital with nothing as they walked away from labor and delivery.  I actually took the hospital socks because I wanted to hold something.  I told Jeff, my husband, from that day that I wished they had given me SOMETHING to hold on to... This is my way, and Kelly's way to make sure that will happen!

Right now, I am in the process of collecting yarn, buttons, charms, rosettes, and pins for her to make these little items.  I'm also in the works of naming this event that I hope to continue for years to come!  And as long as Kelly's fingers can go!  We have donations of these items coming in from all over! Today started with a bag of 20 skein's of yarn from one person, such a blessing!

This has become bigger then me.. Then my baby.. Then Kelly... Then Brigit.  I am so proud to be working with her, for them... I am reminded of Philippians 4:19, "My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

I'm excited to see where this goes... And how this will reach woman all over.  I'm in awe...

If you would like to donate any items listed above or anything else these woman could hold (teddy bears, soft items, comforting items), please email me, thilker14@gmail.com

A Difference.

Sometimes I am amazed at people.  And the things they say. I don't want to get into it now, but I know 

that God may have a baby planned for us in our future... He may not.  I will not force the subject.  If he does not chose to have a baby be part of our lives, then so be it.  It is His plan, and that plan is greater and far more wonderful above anything we can hope or dream.  

I know people mean well with the things they say.  And I know that this subject is deemed taboo and that people do not know what to say sometimes, so they say things that they think would make me feel better.  And I love them for it... but it still breaks my heart at times. 

People will often talk of the baby that they just know God will give to us.  Maybe this one little angel baby was our baby that God gave to us.  Maybe, that was what we needed.  Maybe we got those couple of months, and that is all that was for us.  Yes I do get very sad some days, but I also am comforted that God has a plan for us and for our lives.  When people talk about this future baby, they say God has so many plans for this baby and that this baby will be so amazing and this baby will do so many things and bring God glory.

What they do not remember... What they do not even realize... THIS baby... THIS baby that God called back to Him before He even let them see this world, THIS baby that was so special and so beautiful, too beautiful for earth, that He took right back to be with Him. THIS BABY is making a difference!  Has made a difference in my life... in my husbands life... my families life... but more over in the hundreds of people, strangers, who have read this blog, who have been touched by the words God has given to me to share... Who have been touched by the grace and strength that we have been shown.  

THIS BABY MADE A DIFFERENCE. 

This Grief is Mine

I never realized how personal grief is until I lost my first baby to miscarriage. Yes, I have lost people in my life: grand parents, friends, coworkers, family... I have certainly felt moments of missing them after they were gone. And don't get me wrong, I still do at times.  I've always been able to just pick myself up and keep going though.

Not with this. Not with my baby. There are days I wake up, happy, excited, the. I crash in a second and find myself in tears and hiding in the bathroom at work, or behind a book in the bus... There are other days that I just don't want to get out of bed... I don't want to move and it hurts to breath.  Sometimes I worry what others will say... "Tracy just pray about it," "Tracy God has a plan so stop being sad" "Tracy your time will come it just wasn't now."  I've worried about this for the past three months feeling that I need to just pick up myself and go.

I realized this week that grief is different for every single person. And I realized I have to stop being so hard on myself and that I need to let myself hurt and cry and grow from this. That if something makes me think of my baby and makes me cry it's ok. That if I want to talk about my baby it's ok. That I will never get over loosing my baby and it's ok.  Things may get a bit easier... But I will never be ok and THAT IS OK!

Right now I am surrounded by a few friends who are pregnant and my heart, as happy as I want to be for them, breaks and cracks for me every time I see an ultrasound picture, hear a story about the future and see their bellys grow.  And it's ok for me to feel this way. I may love my friends but that doesn't change what happened to me.  I'm not the girl who had the miscarriage, this isn't who I am. I'm still me but this is something that happened to me. Sometimes I get down because I think that others see me simple as Tracy, the girl who lost her baby... When in reality, the reason people know what happened is because I choose to tell my story to help others.

I was searching Gods word for some verses in comfort... As I know he is holding me so tight and so close... I kept feeling maybe I was sinning or doing something wrong because it's been a few months and I still get sad... God is faithful and reminded me that it's ok to be sad! And that being sad isn't something that God would be mad at me over, because he's not mad at me, he's mad about me.

Here are some that touched my heart...

Matthew 5:4

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

Psalm 18:2

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I need to remember there is not a time line to grief and mine is different from yours. Grief surely can consume you... It's how you choose to deal with it that determines how you heal. For me, I choose to keep my baby in my heart and my mind and have the best comfort that my baby is in the arms of my Savior. 

He knows...

I wrote my blog earlier... Feeling down in the bumps and sad and missing my baby and the what ifs... God reminded me so many ways tonight that I am loved... That I have affected people just by opening up and sharing my story. By a few gifts I was given by a friend whom I hardly know but has been moved by my story... To a little picture another Friend drew for me ... To the mug my dad found today out of the blue... To a text from a close friend just reminding me of Gods promises... To happening to listening in to a live devotional and it hit very single point I needed to hear... Thank you God... You do know all I need.... 

Christmas Baby Blues

Like any grief, a miscarriage brings the same emotions.  I thought, I'll be ok.  The holidays won't be an issue because, well, my baby  never made it to the holidays, so I won't be missing anything.  I will be fine, and just time will go on, and we will get through this, no problem! 

Wrong.  I had no idea that I would have these feelings.  I am so loved and so supported by friends, family, and a community of other mommy's of angels.  I lost my baby at only  8-9 weeks...  But it was long enough to know I loved every single little hope, dream, and minute of that baby's life. 

My heart and my body have been longing for our little one lately.  I don't dread the holidays, I don't dread Christmas.  I am just sad.  Yes, all in God's time... Yes, He knows my hearts desires... Yes, the pain of losing a baby, no matter how far along, is something that never goes away.

This Christmas in all the hussle and bussle, don't forget there are those out there with broken hearts.  Be patient if they get a little down or don't want to go here or there.  Don't get on them because maybe they don't want to decorate the Christmas tree.  Love on them when they get tears in their eyes from watching the little loved ones they have in thier lives enjoy the magic of Christmas.