Last week I was at a get together, and someone I had just met asked me if I had any children... Immediately my face got hot, I felt flush and burning up all at the same time. I thought I was going to pass out. I didn't realize that my mouth spoke before my heart, and I had uttered the words no...
Why did I do that? Why didn't I say yes? Was I worried about the questions that would follow: how old? boy or girl? what is their name? I don't know why I said no.. I just did. And I wanted to cry. I was disappointed in myself. How could I, the woman who runs this blog, who shares her story with strangers, who is working on items for my "due date", and setting up an event to help other mother's of angels... How did I just deny my child their existence?
I wanted to take it back... Instantly. I wanted to say YES!!! Yes I do have a baby, and my baby is an angel, and my baby is always with me! But I didn't. Instead I just wanted to cry. I felt sick to my stomach. Is this the new thing I will face after suffering the loss of my child?
I have been so upset since this day. This one word answer, No... Has just broken me all over again. I am getting stronger, I am coming up on four months since I lost my baby... And I'm healing at an ok pace, at MY pace...
I don't know what I will say next time someone asks me, I would like to think I would say yes... I feel bad and I feel like I need to apologize... To who? I don't know... I just know that my baby is always in my heart.. You are always in my heart little one, and I'm sorry I didn't say you were my angel...
Depending upon the person, I either say that I have an 11 yr old son, or that I have two children and one passed away. You will always love and remember you baby. But sometimes its just too hard to explain to some that you don't know well that you loved and lost one. Don't beat yourself up hun, sometimes no is best answer to protect your heart and your privacy. Kelly mom to one on earth and one in heaven
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