My Rock Here On Earth

Today was a day I wasn't sure which way to turn.  One of those days I've been told by others who have walked in my foot prints that I would definatly face in my walk through healing and the days to follow me.

I'm not going to dwell on today and my feelings that I had. Instead I am going to take a moment to thank the person who has been by my side every step of this journey. This chapter in my life... Our lives. My husband, my love, my rock, my Jeff.

I don't know that you will read this or not, but I wanted to write it.  You were the first one that I told when I found out we were pregnant. You sat next to me when the doctor confirmed that we were having our dream baby and our world changed! You were there for every sleepless night, every nauseous day, every worry I had in the one month and one day we had knowing we were going to be parents, our next journey together.  You were there when we told our family and a few close friends that life was never gonna be the same for us.  We dreamed together.

I know it wasn't long and we couldn't feel the baby kick or anything yet but you would often talk to my belly and tell our baby you loved them.  And you prayed with me. And for me and for our family.

You were there and came to my side when we went for our ultrasound and the doctor asked me questions and I started to shake. You were there when my heart shattered and our world shook and we would never be the same... Again...

Jeff I could not ask for a more perfect friend and a more perfect person and yes husband to be by my side when I felt as though the world was pulled from under my feet and I was falling into a pit of nothing.  I see and read so many stories of woman whose husbands just didn't care. Don't care. Don't want to hear it anymore and don't see what the big deal is.  Yes you do not know how I feel and you have told me that, but you love me and my heart so much that you are by my side for the crazy for the sad for the beyond words days. When I just need someone to hold me, sit next to me, listen to me cry.

I know you miss our old life and my love so do I. But God is doing something big with us. I know that we both know that and we can feel it. He has such a work that he is performing in us that it gives me chills when I try to comprehend what He is going to do in our lives, as no pain is wasted.

I have grown more in love with you during this time. You have seen me at my highest then a minute later at my ultimate lowest. You are they helping me get back up. Slowly and surly. I will have my days and you know that and you've seen them. But instead of having me dwell on the sad you help me work on the good.

May 4th, what would have been our due date. This day will not be a day if sadness. It will be one of celebrating us, life, and our blessings. It will also be out DO date. A day we can do something for others who will walk the path we are on now. This was your idea. And I love that. And I love you. I don't know what we will end up doing but I can assure you it will be beautiful and our baby and our God will both look down on us and smile.

Thank you for telling me we will meet our baby in heaven. I will never forget that. Thank you for loving me even on my bad days. Thank you Jeff. Thank you....

Far from ok...

I want to just clarify one thing. I know there are woman who may read this blog and say ,"how is she acting ok?? How come she is fine?"

I wanna let you know that is far from the truth. I am still healing. I still have a long road ahead of me. I still question everything. Mostly I still cry. My heart is still in a million pieces, I'm hurt starting to slowly pick some up.

I will never be the same person that I was he morning of August 23rd and once again when my world was flipped I will never be the same person I was the night if September 24th. And that is ok. That is life.

I could have taken two paths when our baby became an angel. I chose to lean on God for my strength. I chose faith. It is what has gotten me by with the help of my family, friends and my church.

Had I miscarried a fee months before, I would have gone down the other path. One that easily Rilke have hurt both me and my husband and just set ha on a downwards spiral.

Do I have days where I cry? Absolutely. Moments I think I can't do it anymore? More than you think. Sleepless nights mixed with worry and anger, yup thise come my way too....

But when they do u pray... I remember Gods promises for us.  So even though I'm may seem ok, there are times when I'm broken...

Take care of each other. You never know what other peoples stories my be!

I am the Face...

"1 in 4 woman miscarry
1 in 10 woman struggle with infertility
I am the face of one or both..."

I have had so many woman contact me lately, I have been blessed to hear their stories.  A similar story also is infertility.  I have listened to many tell me of their struggle to have a baby.  Our journey started over two years ago, so I know of the longing and waiting and the wondering why it's not happening to you, and the wondering if you are broken.

It is something that can tear a marriage apart.  It's a very lonely road even though you are not going it alone. You don't want to talk with your partner about it, because is it you, is it me, who's fault is it? Why isn't it working?  I told you we needed to try on this day or that day, we must have missed calculated.  Then there comes the testing... The rounds and rounds of testing.

And if they find something wrong?  They thought I might have had uterine cancer.  For three months I wondered and worried, waiting for results and more tests.  It was at that point, after a year, before we were going to head to a fertility specialist that Jeff and I decided it wasn't for us.. Not then at least.  We had such a struggle for a year already and we wanted to just step back for a bit.  Go back to being us, enjoying us.  He told me as we left the doctors one day, "You are the one who always says if it's supposed to happen, then it will happen... So why would this be any different than anything else in our life?"

I know many woman personally and those who have reached out to me who have struggled even after seeing a specialist.  Woman who long to have a baby in their arms, to kiss their face, to feel their heart beat. Woman like me.. And maybe woman like you... Or one you know.

For now we need to heal, need to take a break.  If we decide later down the road to visit a specialist than we shall.  It is a very personal choice for many people.  I admire those who have taken that step.

I came across a website today, https://www.booster.com/lossawareness .  Organizer Kimberly Soule has also suffered a miscarriage and infertility.  She is selling tshirts to raise awareness of both.  All proceeds go to the March of Dimes.  On the tshirts is the quote I displayed at the begining of this blog... On the front there are tiny foot prints, and it says, "The loss of a dream... The struggle of infertility."

I am going to buy one of these shirts.  I do not know when or where or if I will wear it.  Maybe May 4th, our due date, maybe next October 15th.  Maybe around the house, maybe out for a walk, maybe to the mall.  I just don't know yet.  But I know I want people to become aware of this silent struggle.  

If you can visit her site, please do.  You too can help raise awareness for the faces of so many woman.

Our Memory Garden...

A few weeks after my miscarriage, we had decided that we would like to plant a tree in honor of our angel.  My mum had the idea and wanted to a rose bush.  Jeff wanted a red rose bush, and everything fell into place. 

Me, mum, and dad went to the garden store, got all the materials, came home, and so began our day.  Dad tilled the land, mum and me planted. It was very emotional as I was still in pain, and still very sad. 

We picked a Mr. Lincoln Tea Rose Bush.  Big bright beautiful roses that will bloom come this spring, maybe around the time of my due date, May 4, 2014.  No blooms yet... We also planted a couple of bleeding hearts, Jeff's idea.. and will add some baby's breath and forget me nots when the spring comes.  

Everything looks a little barren now, as it's autumn and nothing is in bloom.  We also don't have alot of garden decor yet, just a star with a glow in the dark marble. ( This past weekend a beautiful friend of mine, Vonne, gave me a Minnie Mouse pumpkin kit, which we decorated a pumpkin and put next to our rose bush!  She didn't even know about what had happened and didn't know that's why we had our garden.)

When we were finishing planting, my husband came home.  It started to rain a bit out, and we worked even after the sun went down.  We came in the house... I was sitting next to Jeff, and burst into tears.  He had no idea why, and kept asking me... I told him that I was so mad!!! That I didn't WANT to plant a garden to remember our baby.  I didn't WANT to have to do things like that.  I wanted to be planning baby showers, and picking out first outfits, and thinking of all the firsts that come with a little one.  I was so mad.  I was crying and yelling, and I yelled to him, Why did God do this? Why would He even GIVE me the ONE thing that we wanted, only to take it away from us?   He very gently and quitely looked at me and said he didn't take anything away from us.  He never gave us that baby to begin with because it was never ours.  It was always His... It was never ours love...

So I sat there and I knew Jeff was right... Does that anger come up still sometimes?  Yes... But when it does I just pray... no matter where I am, I just talk to God... I tell him this, I don't understand why this is happening.. I may  never know... but I know you love me, and I love you.. And that's all I can understand.

Rushing Back...

As I sit at my computer, the same place I sat a month ago when I got the dreaded phone call from the doctor telling me I had miscarried... My heart breaks.. yet it soars.  I shared my story last night, well today at midnight... And the support, and mothers whose hearts have also been broken have just poured over me.

I want to burst with the hope my story may help someone, and has put other's at ease... But my heart is shattered and can't burst right now...

It's a very bittersweet position to be in.  I cry out to God tonight... I am so sad and so weak in my heart... but I know He loves me.. He has something so amazing planned for me and my husband that we can't even begin to fathom it.

He tests the righteous... that is what my husband text me the other day when I said I just couldn't do it anymore... He tests us... for His glory... for our growth... I pray to just keep growing... There are mighty things that He has declared for us...

Two years... Two Months... One Month...One Day... Lifetime of Love...

Life can surely throw you for a loop.  It can flip around one minute and the next minute you are clinging to whatever you have to understand it.  This is my story...  This is our story.  I am one in four... But I am not alone.

About two months ago, at the end of August 23, 2013... I had this feeling... After two very long years of trying, we were blessed to find out we were finally having a baby!  My sister picked up a pregnancy test, I took it and BOOM!  Two lines.. Right away!

I told my husband, Jeff, and we were very excited, and a bit nervous.  A year prior had consisted of tests, a cancer scare, talks of fertility doctors, and alot of days blaming myself and my body on the fact that we could not become pregnant.  But, all that worry, all that sadness, gone in the blink of two pink lines.  I knew right then and there that my life as I had known it, had forever changed, and I loved that baby inside me from that second forward.  We were happy.

Two days later I was baptized through my church at their big baptism bash.  My sister confronted me about the test and, well, it wasn't hard for me to just burst at the seams and tell her!   We cried together in that little wooden bathroom, and she was beyond thrilled for us.  A week or so later we told our family.  My husband kept telling me it was so early, and what if something happened?  I said, "Well if something happened I would rather they know so they can be there for me, and more importantly, that they can enjoy OUR joy for as long as it is possible.  He agreed, and we let them in on the secret.

A couple days after we found our we were pregnant, we scheduled an appointment with our doctor, who wanted us to wait until September 11, 2013 to go and take our blood test and confirm.  Reluctantly I wanted the two weeks.  I just wanted an answer right then and there, to make it real!  Two weeks slowly passed, and YES, we were pregnant!  I remember sitting at the doctors and just beaming and smiling at my husband, it was finally happening!  We felt so awesome, told some close friends that night and that weekend, and our dreams and thoughts of the future with our baby were flooding in...

I was the happiest I had ever been.  Tired, yes, Nauseous, yes, but I didn't care.  We were having a baby, our family was gong to be complete.  And that is all I needed to know!  We felt God had heard our prayers, and answered them.  We knew this was all in His timing, and finally His timing was our timing.  Life was good!  Jeff would talk to my belly but really really softly.  I never got to hear everything he said, but I know he was in love with that baby.

One month and one day later, we were going to get to see our baby for the FIRST time!  We had a dating ultrasound to see if I was 8 or 9 weeks and to find our due date, which I had figured out through calculations and an app of course (yes, there is an app for that) was May 4th, 2014.  The night prior, I was on a Facebook group for "MayFlowers", woman who were due in May.  Three of those woman asked to be taken off the page because they had lost their babies and found out that day. I went to bed that night, and wept and we prayed for them.  Jeff and I, as I wept, we prayed for their hearts, and we knew they must be so broken.  I selfishly prayed for a strong heartbeat for our baby, as they had not found theirs.

The next day came and I was a ball of emotions... Excited, nervous... I had people all over praying for me, and close friends and family texting and calling, asking me when everything was happening.  Our appointment was at 6:45, down the street from where I live.  Work ended and we took the drive.  I was soooo wicked excited.  We went in, I had to go to into the rest room and get changed into the hospital gown.  I couldn't hold my phone, I remember thinking, well I want to have it with me to take a picture, video, then thinking, nah it's ok.  They will give me a picture!

The tech asked me some date questions and away we went.  A minute or so into the ultrasound, she asked me if I was sure of my dates... If I could have gotten them wrong.  RIGHT then and THERE, I knew... something was terribly wrong.  I was so sure of my dates, yes, because of another app.  I started to shake.  Jeff got up and stood next to me.  We saw our little baby for the first time.  The tech didn't say anything... No, oh look at this, and oh listen to this... And I just knew in my heart of hearts things had gone bad...
Jeff asked if that was our little "kidney bean" as we had been naming the baby after fruits from a website.
She said yes, and just moved along.  We asked well what is that ?  It's where the pregnancy began.  And what is that?  It's the umbilical cord.  She kept saying maybe we were wrong on the dates, maybe we came in to early.... I know we weren't early.  She said we measured more like 6 weeks... and even at that... she never mentioned a heartbeat.

We ended everything, and she asked us to wait, wanted to check my blood levels and a radiologist would look at the pictures.   The next hour of my life was one of the worst ones.  I begged, pleaded with God, not our baby, PLEASE not our baby... I don't want to go loose this baby... God please, you blessed us, don't take it from us.  I begged. I wept.  My husband sat next to me, holding my hand.  A lady in the waiting room got tissues from the desk and brought them to me. She said, "I have been where you are..."

That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had no idea what she was there for.. or why, and I didn't care.  At the moment, I just wanted our baby to be ok. When I think back on it now and what I know, I wish her and I could have hugged, and talked, and she could have told me how to cope with what I would soon find out.

The tech called us in her office, told us she had been trying to get our doctor but couldn't.  She told me to go home and call this other doctor that they would be able to give me some answers.  I wept and kept saying, something is wrong, just let me know, tell me... something is wrong, what's wrong!!  She kept telling me I was probably just to early and not to say that... and don't think that way....

We walked out the doors.  I was shaking, crying so hard I threw up right there in the parking lot.  I didn't want to go home.  I didn't want to call that doctor.  I didn't want to hear them say anything than our baby was ok.  I called them and waited.  My sister called in the mean time, and I thought it was the doctor.  I freaked out and told her I would call her back.  Finally the phone rang.  I can't tell you the doctors name, what time of day it was, or anything like that, all I know is what I heard on the other end of the phone...

"Tracy... are you sure on your dates?"  "Yes, I'm positive."  "Oh Tracy, then I'm so sorry to tell you this... I am 99% positive you have miscarried. I am so sorry."

I can't remember much else she said.  I know the feelings I had as I sat in my computer chair, THIS computer chair.  These feelings came from deep inside... I cried like I never knew I could cry.  Our baby, our one little baby, the one we had been wishing for and praying for for years, was now in Heaven.

We would never hold our baby, kiss our baby, count their little toes, nibble on their cheeks.  We would never wish them a happy birthday, see them go to their first day of school, hold their hand.  I was heartbroken.  I still am.

We broke the news to our family, which was absolutely devastating.  I will never forget that.  I felt as though someone had died, had been ripped out of my arms.  I didn't know where to go, what to do.  My family prayed in that living room that night.  Prayed for healing, for strength.

The next few days were filled with sadness, anger, guilt, everything that comes with grief.  We talked with the doctor the next am on the phone who confirmed everything.  We went in the day after, and went over our options: the pill that is called the abortion pill, which I had to take the year before for a test they were running and thought I had died, let it happen naturally, or a d and c, where they remove your baby from your uterus.
I refused the pill, I could not emotionally let it happen naturally, so we chose the D and C.  I had to wait till 4pm on Friday to have that done.

At the hospital I went through every emotion.  What if I was wrong?  What if they were wrong?  What if I don't wake up?  Jeff and I cried when I said that.. He said then I would be the first to meet our baby... I kept crying that I didn't want to be there for that. They make you have the surgery in labor and delivery.  It was horrible.  I had to get an IV which I almost passed out when they gave me.  I had a hard time with that.  I just didn't want to be there for that.... I didn't want to say goodbye... and what if I was making a mistake?

My surgery went over fine... I recovered well, besides the emotional part of it, and was back at work on Monday... ended up having to take some time off as I found myself in extreme pain and could not cope emotionally.

Why am I telling my story?  Because there are too many people who keep quite about this and deal with it alone.  It is amazing the more I told people, the more they told me they had a simliar experience or someone they know went through that.  I realized I wasn't alone.  There are groups, forums, aunts, moms, sisters, friends, who have been there, who have been broken.

Tomorrow marks a month to the day that we found out our baby went to Heaven.  I couldn't stay silent anymore. I wanted to, and needed to share. I needed people to know, if they are struggling, they are not alone.  I am no where close to being ok and feeling good, but I know that if I did not have my husband, my family, my church family, and my God to cling to, I would be lost.  Jeff and I started back at church just the month before we found out we were pregnant, in July. God knew what he was doing when we got us back involved and drew us closer to Him.  Had He not, I do not know where I would be today. I know I would be lost, our marriage would be breaking, and things just would not be good.

This blog is not a pity blog.  This is not something I want you to feel sorry about.  I want this to help someone.  I will never understand the why... I will never know the how come... I just know it happened, and God has a reason for it that may not even have to do with me.

I needed to share in hopes this can help someone cling to Him.  There is a song I listen to called Blessings.  Part of it goes, like this, "What if your blessings come through raindrops?  What if your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

We will never forget Our Little One, Too Beautiful for Earth... But we will always have comfort knowing that our baby is waiting for us, in God's arms...