Pregnancy After Loss: Emotions No One Told Me About

After our loss, I knew that I didn't want to stop trying to conceive again.  I figured, it would be the best way to face that fear, but looking it straight in the eyes, and trying again.  Since it took us two years to conceive our angel baby, I didn't even know if we would get pregnant again.  Then... Just like that... 5 months after our loss, we were expecting again! But what I wasn't expecting was some of the feelings that come along with pregnancy after a loss... No one ever talked about that.  I have heard so many stories of woman going on to have healthy happy babies, and that's great! But no one mentioned the emotions involved in a rainbow pregnancy. Here is what I was faced head on with, maybe they can help someone else.

1. Extreme Fear:  Of course, there is fear surrounding all pregnancies.  I had it with my first, and I am sure I will have it again if we have any other children in the future. The uncertainty, the what ifs... all those are always there.  But after a loss.. every pain, every ache, when you have symptoms, when you don't, blood spotting, the anxiety before every appointment... They are intensified.  You feel ok, you feel like all is going well... But how do you know? Some days you just have to pick yourself up and go.  I have to remind myself that every single day that I get to have this little life inside of me is a blessing.  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"

2. Disconnect:  When we first found out we were pregnant... Well... We didn't have much to say.  For the first two weeks, we went about life as though it hadn't happened.  It's a defense thing of course, as I don't want to feel the pain that I went through before.  But, you can't help falling in love with the baby inside.  It's hard... You almost try not to... Not that you don't WANT to... You just don't want to hurt.  After each ultrasound, and after announcing it to friends and family, things have gotten a little easier.  I am in love with our little baby, I just guard my heart a little more... 1 Samuel 11:27"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

3. Guilt: Yes, guilt.  Why is this baby doing ok? What happened with my other baby?  You start to love on this new little one, and part of your sadness starts to fade away.  I remember hearing someone once say that they didn't want their sadness to go away, because if they did, they felt the memory of their lost one would fade.  Boy did I know what they meant! The more connected I started to get with our rainbow baby, the more I began to heal.  That is the only way I can put it.  I have actually put the guilt behind me, and instead it has been replaced with a gentle and more maternal love for my angel baby than I knew I had.  I will never forget the pain or the sadness that I have felt and a part of me is gone since the day we lost our angel.  But the healing that has begun because of this new little life, well, it has been life changing to say the least.
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me."

4. Compassion and Empathy:  I knew that by starting this blog I was opening my life up to anyone who has felt the hurt that I have.  I knew that I may get a few people who would want to tell me their stories.  I knew when I wanted to give back to other woman who have lost their babies.  But I NEVER knew that God would take my greatest pain and use it for my greatest ministry!  God never wastes a hurt... I NEVER knew how many woman would be touched and contact me to tell me their stories.  How many had never told a soul before. How many had never had someone tell them they had a loss and that their baby mattered.  My heart has broken with them, I have cried with them, I have followed their stories, I have remembered to ASK them how they were, when all others had moved on.  My heart has grown from this so much. I just never knew. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

5. Over Joyed: Once I realized I was beginning to heal, not to forget, and once I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, and once I realized that YES I am pregnant and YES this baby so far is healthy and strong, I knew it was ok to enjoy my pregnancy.  Because I was so open about my loss, it has been amazing seeing the strong support system I have had around me!  I have had many people tell me they have been and will continue to pray for us daily.  My heart has been bursting with joy and happiness, and I feel very humble to know my story has touched so many. I can not wait for each and every one of you to meet our rainbow baby!  In fact, I can't wait to meet them myself! Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen"

And Then There Was A Rainbow

Life changed for me the day after I wrote my last blog, Seeing with New Eyes.. I had no idea the new adventure we were about to embark on.  I laid it all out in my last blog, I poured my heart out for God. One of the lines I used from the conference we attended, "God withholds from us what we want the most so we can see what we need." There are so many things that I said in this blog, so many things I learned from #SeedsConf that I took with me that night.  (You can read it here: http://1in4notalone.blogspot.com/2014/03/seeing-with-new-eyes.html?spref=fb&m=1)

The next morning, I had a feeling... After work, I went to the store. Picked up a test.  Yes.. that kind of test.. a pregnancy test.  I was scared to death.  I had no idea what to do when I looked down and saw two pink lines. My husband was in the living room and I peeked around the corner.  He said what... with a voice like I was a kid and did something I was gonna get in trouble for.  He walked around the corner and there I stood, with the test.  I didn't smile, I just said "Yup."  And he just walked away.  Neither of us said a word.  Not how you ideally want to find out you are pregnant, but after a loss... There really aren't to many words to say.  

We spent the next week or so just not really talking about it.  We didn't tell our families, we just... were.  It was strange.  Not like last time, not like with my first baby.  I kinda just told my mom while she was in the kitchen, and she almost passed out, not from excitement, but from the underlying fear you have when you know someone who has had a loss or you have yourself suffered one.  

I had blood drawn at 6 weeks, which is when I found out that my numbers went up, but didn't double. They were not where the doctors wanted them.  I thought, please, not again.  God not this time.  Not with this baby too.  I was told by the nurse, "Well, you are coming in in two weeks, if you start to bleed or cramp you just call us." WHAT!!! I called her back yelling, are you giving up??? I'm not giving up. My numbers went up, they didn't go down, right? Right.... So don't you dare give up!

It was then that I wanted to fight for this little life inside of me.  My view started to slowly change... We were having our rainbow baby... 

Things strangely started to fall into place.  I figured out that our Due Date, May 4th, was exactly our three months.  I decided not only would we be delivering the little hats to the hospital that day, but we would also tell everyone that our Baby Hilk was on the way! 

Getting pregnant and being pregnant is not easy.  There are many worries and fears.  I freaked out at the doctor when she told me she didn't want me to have an ultrasound the day I went in, wanted me to come back. I think because my numbers were low, she had a feeling this pregnancy was not viable. I fought for what I wanted, what I NEEDED and we got to see our baby on the ultrasound for the first time at 8 weeks!  Even the doctor was excited for us, and knew I wasn't joking around and meant business.   Two days later we were back as I started to bleed.  I wept... I cried to God, "not this baby, not again!" It was just a little bleed, and nothing that worried anyone.  We were told we could come in at 10 weeks because I was nervous and get another ultrasound. 

Tomorrow we go in for a check up and doppler listen.  They may not be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, so we may get to see our baby again in an ultrasound.  I can not lie, I am scared to death at every single appointment, and even in the days leading up to it.  

Every time I have this fear, God brings someone into my life who has heard of my story and needs my help, needs to be told their baby mattered, needs to know they are a mommy of an angel.  This happened again yesterday.  It's these times that I doubt Him, that He brings me to my knees.  

Here is a sneak peek of our rainbow baby: Baby Hilk.  We don't know where this journey will take us.  We pray it's to the hospital in November, with a healthy baby in our arms.  Until then, we just trust in God and pray to him! 

Missing what could have been...

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Even the day after I wrote my last blog I was shown how life can change in an instant. But that's another blog for another day.

Tonight I put into perspective the fact that in just a week and a half, my original due date would be here. Yes I'm excitedly Angel Wongs of Love project is coming together so well and that I have , with God by my side, been able to help so many people. It's amazing!

But tonight I started to think of the what could have beens. Getting ready to go to the hospital any time now, all the kicks in my belly that would have happened, having a baby shower, preparing the nursery.. All the dreams and hopes and wishes...

I cried for myself. For my hurt. I haven't grieved the past few months and really felt I was making some  leeway... Only to end up with wistful thinking and broken hopes .

I am forever grateful that our baby touched our lives for it's breif time that we knew it. I just wish I had been able to see them. Hold them in my arms.

It is my greatest comfort knowing the first thing our baby saw when it opened it's eyes was Jesus face. And one day we will see them standing with Him.

But for now... For tonight... I miss the what could have beens...

One in Four... I am not Alone...: Seeing With New Eyes

One in Four... I am not Alone...: Seeing With New Eyes: This past week I was able to attend a Seeds Conference that my church was live streaming.  Figured we would check it out after work on the n...

Seeing With New Eyes

This past week I was able to attend a Seeds Conference that my church was live streaming.  Figured we would check it out after work on the nights they had a service available.  Every single one touched my heart, but two just... blew me away... I know they were not talking directly to me, but it sure seemed like it at some parts.  I know God wanted me and my husband there, and this is just ONE of many reasons why. 

One preacher, Dino Rizzo spoke about God's vantage point in our lives.  How we should try to view our lives as God views them, and see the big picture, what He sees when He places things into our lives.  He talked about the story of Abraham and Isaac.  How God asked Abraham to sacrifice the son he loved so much, and Abraham didn't hesitate and did as God asked. 

Dino hit on four key points: 

1. Obedience: are you ok with not being in the know about your future?  It is ok to not be in the know, because God always knows. But we must listen and follow His instructions when given to us.

2. Faith:  We are not people of perfect faith, but we are people of living faith.  

3. Trust: Be tested, but keep trusting.  God is the conductor of my life. God will provide, God will show up. 

4. God loves me.  When you struggle, remember he still loves you.  Walk in confidence that you are loved, cherished, valued and you matter. He is hovering over you in your life. 

These hit me hard as they seem to go along with our journey. We began to obey, (went back to church, dedicated our lives back to God.)  We had faith he would do big things (we got pregnant)  We trusted even though we were tested (through our miscarriage)  We must remember that God loves us and he is with us always (this is where we are now) 

The next morning, I saw a quote from Rick Warren, I will post it in the picture below.  I was blown away by it, and how yes, it hit right home to me. 

The next night, before Craig Groeschel spoke, they sang Set A Fire, which is a song I mentioned before: played the day I was baptized, (two days after we found out we were pregnant), played at the ladies retreat as I worshiped God for this new blessing, and played the weekend after we lost our baby.  ALWAYS brings me to tears.. So I knew that God was softening my heart, getting it ready for what I needed to hear. 

Right after that, Willie George told a story.  He told about when he was younger, and trying to become the main preacher at a second night service at a church. It was between him and one other guy.  He bombed, the other guy was amazing.  He was broken hearted and crushed.  No matter what, he had a decision to make, and that was to rejoice when someone else is blessed.  

This hit me hard as many friends have been announcing pregnancies, and many other friends are getting ready to have their babies, right around my due date, May 4th.  I try not to get upset and sad and jealous, but it happens.  I've been working on rejoicing with them for their blessing, instead of being sad because of my circumstances. 

Craig then preached.  At first I wasn't to sure how things would apply to me, but I was ready to listen.  And right off the bat, I was hit with it.  He was talking about limited resources, and how we think we can't because we don't, where as the mind shift should be, we CAN because we don't.  Limited resources shouldn't stop you from doing God's work.  How does this apply? Here you go... the next part went as such: "Limited resources will help you see what you would not see if you had what you needed.  God often provides by what He withholds.  He withholds so you can see what you need.  If you have the thing you wanted the most, you may not see what you need to see."  I was blown away..  

The answer was right there... God withholds from us what we want the most, so we can see what we need. This is not saying that I still wouldn't just LOVE to be only two months away from having a little baby in my arms, not saying that at all.  But saying if we didn't go through that hurt, that pain, then maybe we wouldn't be able to reach those how we have been able to because of our hurt.  We couldn't have a baby for two years. Two long years.  Our faith was tested, but lacked.  Just when it was back, we were blessed, only to have it tested again. This time with God on our sides.  

It was reiterated that night as Craig went on to say, "The pathway to your greatest potential is straight through your greatest fear. The thing you fear the most may be the place God wants you the most. Step out of the boat, have faith and learn to walk on water."   Different circumstances, but hit me hard again.  

As we try to conceive yet again, we have the many questions: will it take another two years, will it even happen again, was that our one baby, and if it does happen again, will I be able to carry full term?  

I don't know the answer to any of those questions.  And I am ok with it.  Yes, I'm human and I will still have my days where I will grief, and I may question, but I have that eternal hope that this path was made specifically FOR me and my husband FROM God.  It's not a bad path, it's ours, and we are not alone in it.  We have Him by our sides, walking with us, holding us tight.  There is no need to fear, no need to worry, just need to trust, and remember we are loved. 

I'm amazed at how much my eyes keep being opened from God, over and over and over again. He has been teaching and molding us in such a way that would not happen had we not had this pain this hurt this loss in our lives.  I am so grateful to be able to go on this journey!  I am so grateful to be able to become closer to our God because of this.  He is moving in our marriage, in our walk with Him... I am blessed. 

Healing...

Grief is a very powerful emotion.  One that I have felt before, but never such a lonely and such a person grief as loosing a baby.  There is a guilt, an anger, a pain that goes along with it and against your very being.  You could have done more, should have done this, if only, what if... Every question, every doubt.

I have been once again slammed with this feeling.  This bitterness when I see someone who is pregnant... Whose baby will be here soon for them to hold... Whose body didn't fail them... Whose heart didn't get shattered... It's an awful feeling.. and one that I immediately must pray about when I feel that way... I almost feel that I need to ask forgiveness for the bitter feeling that I get inside.  It is almost unbearable. 

God knows my heart.. He knows I am still and may always be healing.  This past week at church we sang this song, the same song that was played two days after I found out I was pregnant (the day I got baptized actually), the weekend of the ladies retreat while I worshiped and thanked and God for this blessing, (two days before I found out our baby didn't make it) and the Sunday after my miscarriage, as I was in church and my husband and I clung to each other and cried... I remember writing on Facebook that night that sometimes the best time to start to heal is worshiping our Lord, holding the one we love the most, and just letting the tears roll down our faces...  The words go, "Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain and I can't control, I want more of you God, I want more of you God..."  

This weekend at church it was sing again... I stood in the hallway and wept... My heart broke and all the tape, bandages, glue, holding it together fell off as it just splintered and burst.

Any time I hear this song... my heart just ACHES to know Him more... I have grown closer to him in this heartache... but at times I feel that pull back... the doubts, the anger, getting directed towards the one who has a plan for ME.  For US.  For this baby who is with Him in Heaven, who I will see one day.  

This week has been tough... We have been able to try again, and every month that goes by and we are not pregnant AGAIN brings me back to the heartache of the two years that we tried to have a baby and failed. There are so many emotions... So many tug of war games going on in my head... 

It's at these times that I can only hand it all completely over to God and let him take it, because, to be honest, I can not handle it... I am human.  I am not perfect.  I am a mother who lost a baby.  I am a wife who is sad because I couldn't bring our baby home.  I am a daughter who wanted to be the mother to my baby that my mom is to me.  I am an aunty who loves her baby loves just a little more and needs to see them often to feel ok.  I know, I KNOW that there is a reason... 

These writings are not to get pity. That is the last thing I want.  I write so people who have not walked in these shoes may know how to react to someone who has.  They are not easy shoes to wear.  Everyone has a different path in life, different shoes. 

I am healing.  It will take me time.  Take those around me to continue to hold me up when I need it.  It will take lots of praying... But this is all part of it.  This does not define who I am... But it will forever be a part of me. Forever.

4 Months Today

Today marks 4 months from the day that we discovered our little baby had grown their angel wings. 4 months from the first and only time we got to see our little baby... 4 months from the saddest moment of my life to date.  4 months from when my world flipped upside down.


I've come along way.  Healing ok.. learning to live with my new normal.  They say time heals all things.... It's more about just learning how to deal with the pain, the sadness.  That I have been doing well.


The ladies helping me with my "Do Date" event have been amazing, as have the people from all over who are donating and have donated to our cause: to make sure no angel mother leaves the hospital empty handed, and they know they are not alone. 


There are those days... oh those days that break your heart.  You see another pregnancy announcement, people avoid you while they talk about their babies, you don't know what to say to someone who asks if you have children, your heart is still shattered.  Those days are the days I remind myself of God's promise to me.  I know that there will some day be a rainbow. 


A rainbow comes after the storm.  It's a reminder that God has promises for me.  Again whether that means an angel baby, a new calling in life, bringing those close to Him through my pain, His story for my glory, helping those woman who need reminders they are loved, not alone, and not lost in their time of need, I don't know.  But I know that God has promises for me.  Way beyond my dreams and my imaginations.


I remind myself that HE will set a rainbow in the sky of my life.  That I am His child and he will watch over and protect me.


4 months... I can still remember every second of that day... I will never forget the pain and the heartache... But I will always look for the rainbow.