Pregnancy After Loss: Emotions No One Told Me About

After our loss, I knew that I didn't want to stop trying to conceive again.  I figured, it would be the best way to face that fear, but looking it straight in the eyes, and trying again.  Since it took us two years to conceive our angel baby, I didn't even know if we would get pregnant again.  Then... Just like that... 5 months after our loss, we were expecting again! But what I wasn't expecting was some of the feelings that come along with pregnancy after a loss... No one ever talked about that.  I have heard so many stories of woman going on to have healthy happy babies, and that's great! But no one mentioned the emotions involved in a rainbow pregnancy. Here is what I was faced head on with, maybe they can help someone else.

1. Extreme Fear:  Of course, there is fear surrounding all pregnancies.  I had it with my first, and I am sure I will have it again if we have any other children in the future. The uncertainty, the what ifs... all those are always there.  But after a loss.. every pain, every ache, when you have symptoms, when you don't, blood spotting, the anxiety before every appointment... They are intensified.  You feel ok, you feel like all is going well... But how do you know? Some days you just have to pick yourself up and go.  I have to remind myself that every single day that I get to have this little life inside of me is a blessing.  Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"

2. Disconnect:  When we first found out we were pregnant... Well... We didn't have much to say.  For the first two weeks, we went about life as though it hadn't happened.  It's a defense thing of course, as I don't want to feel the pain that I went through before.  But, you can't help falling in love with the baby inside.  It's hard... You almost try not to... Not that you don't WANT to... You just don't want to hurt.  After each ultrasound, and after announcing it to friends and family, things have gotten a little easier.  I am in love with our little baby, I just guard my heart a little more... 1 Samuel 11:27"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

3. Guilt: Yes, guilt.  Why is this baby doing ok? What happened with my other baby?  You start to love on this new little one, and part of your sadness starts to fade away.  I remember hearing someone once say that they didn't want their sadness to go away, because if they did, they felt the memory of their lost one would fade.  Boy did I know what they meant! The more connected I started to get with our rainbow baby, the more I began to heal.  That is the only way I can put it.  I have actually put the guilt behind me, and instead it has been replaced with a gentle and more maternal love for my angel baby than I knew I had.  I will never forget the pain or the sadness that I have felt and a part of me is gone since the day we lost our angel.  But the healing that has begun because of this new little life, well, it has been life changing to say the least.
Psalm 30:2 "O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me."

4. Compassion and Empathy:  I knew that by starting this blog I was opening my life up to anyone who has felt the hurt that I have.  I knew that I may get a few people who would want to tell me their stories.  I knew when I wanted to give back to other woman who have lost their babies.  But I NEVER knew that God would take my greatest pain and use it for my greatest ministry!  God never wastes a hurt... I NEVER knew how many woman would be touched and contact me to tell me their stories.  How many had never told a soul before. How many had never had someone tell them they had a loss and that their baby mattered.  My heart has broken with them, I have cried with them, I have followed their stories, I have remembered to ASK them how they were, when all others had moved on.  My heart has grown from this so much. I just never knew. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

5. Over Joyed: Once I realized I was beginning to heal, not to forget, and once I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, and once I realized that YES I am pregnant and YES this baby so far is healthy and strong, I knew it was ok to enjoy my pregnancy.  Because I was so open about my loss, it has been amazing seeing the strong support system I have had around me!  I have had many people tell me they have been and will continue to pray for us daily.  My heart has been bursting with joy and happiness, and I feel very humble to know my story has touched so many. I can not wait for each and every one of you to meet our rainbow baby!  In fact, I can't wait to meet them myself! Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen"

And Then There Was A Rainbow

Life changed for me the day after I wrote my last blog, Seeing with New Eyes.. I had no idea the new adventure we were about to embark on.  I laid it all out in my last blog, I poured my heart out for God. One of the lines I used from the conference we attended, "God withholds from us what we want the most so we can see what we need." There are so many things that I said in this blog, so many things I learned from #SeedsConf that I took with me that night.  (You can read it here: http://1in4notalone.blogspot.com/2014/03/seeing-with-new-eyes.html?spref=fb&m=1)

The next morning, I had a feeling... After work, I went to the store. Picked up a test.  Yes.. that kind of test.. a pregnancy test.  I was scared to death.  I had no idea what to do when I looked down and saw two pink lines. My husband was in the living room and I peeked around the corner.  He said what... with a voice like I was a kid and did something I was gonna get in trouble for.  He walked around the corner and there I stood, with the test.  I didn't smile, I just said "Yup."  And he just walked away.  Neither of us said a word.  Not how you ideally want to find out you are pregnant, but after a loss... There really aren't to many words to say.  

We spent the next week or so just not really talking about it.  We didn't tell our families, we just... were.  It was strange.  Not like last time, not like with my first baby.  I kinda just told my mom while she was in the kitchen, and she almost passed out, not from excitement, but from the underlying fear you have when you know someone who has had a loss or you have yourself suffered one.  

I had blood drawn at 6 weeks, which is when I found out that my numbers went up, but didn't double. They were not where the doctors wanted them.  I thought, please, not again.  God not this time.  Not with this baby too.  I was told by the nurse, "Well, you are coming in in two weeks, if you start to bleed or cramp you just call us." WHAT!!! I called her back yelling, are you giving up??? I'm not giving up. My numbers went up, they didn't go down, right? Right.... So don't you dare give up!

It was then that I wanted to fight for this little life inside of me.  My view started to slowly change... We were having our rainbow baby... 

Things strangely started to fall into place.  I figured out that our Due Date, May 4th, was exactly our three months.  I decided not only would we be delivering the little hats to the hospital that day, but we would also tell everyone that our Baby Hilk was on the way! 

Getting pregnant and being pregnant is not easy.  There are many worries and fears.  I freaked out at the doctor when she told me she didn't want me to have an ultrasound the day I went in, wanted me to come back. I think because my numbers were low, she had a feeling this pregnancy was not viable. I fought for what I wanted, what I NEEDED and we got to see our baby on the ultrasound for the first time at 8 weeks!  Even the doctor was excited for us, and knew I wasn't joking around and meant business.   Two days later we were back as I started to bleed.  I wept... I cried to God, "not this baby, not again!" It was just a little bleed, and nothing that worried anyone.  We were told we could come in at 10 weeks because I was nervous and get another ultrasound. 

Tomorrow we go in for a check up and doppler listen.  They may not be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, so we may get to see our baby again in an ultrasound.  I can not lie, I am scared to death at every single appointment, and even in the days leading up to it.  

Every time I have this fear, God brings someone into my life who has heard of my story and needs my help, needs to be told their baby mattered, needs to know they are a mommy of an angel.  This happened again yesterday.  It's these times that I doubt Him, that He brings me to my knees.  

Here is a sneak peek of our rainbow baby: Baby Hilk.  We don't know where this journey will take us.  We pray it's to the hospital in November, with a healthy baby in our arms.  Until then, we just trust in God and pray to him!