This Grief is Mine

I never realized how personal grief is until I lost my first baby to miscarriage. Yes, I have lost people in my life: grand parents, friends, coworkers, family... I have certainly felt moments of missing them after they were gone. And don't get me wrong, I still do at times.  I've always been able to just pick myself up and keep going though.

Not with this. Not with my baby. There are days I wake up, happy, excited, the. I crash in a second and find myself in tears and hiding in the bathroom at work, or behind a book in the bus... There are other days that I just don't want to get out of bed... I don't want to move and it hurts to breath.  Sometimes I worry what others will say... "Tracy just pray about it," "Tracy God has a plan so stop being sad" "Tracy your time will come it just wasn't now."  I've worried about this for the past three months feeling that I need to just pick up myself and go.

I realized this week that grief is different for every single person. And I realized I have to stop being so hard on myself and that I need to let myself hurt and cry and grow from this. That if something makes me think of my baby and makes me cry it's ok. That if I want to talk about my baby it's ok. That I will never get over loosing my baby and it's ok.  Things may get a bit easier... But I will never be ok and THAT IS OK!

Right now I am surrounded by a few friends who are pregnant and my heart, as happy as I want to be for them, breaks and cracks for me every time I see an ultrasound picture, hear a story about the future and see their bellys grow.  And it's ok for me to feel this way. I may love my friends but that doesn't change what happened to me.  I'm not the girl who had the miscarriage, this isn't who I am. I'm still me but this is something that happened to me. Sometimes I get down because I think that others see me simple as Tracy, the girl who lost her baby... When in reality, the reason people know what happened is because I choose to tell my story to help others.

I was searching Gods word for some verses in comfort... As I know he is holding me so tight and so close... I kept feeling maybe I was sinning or doing something wrong because it's been a few months and I still get sad... God is faithful and reminded me that it's ok to be sad! And that being sad isn't something that God would be mad at me over, because he's not mad at me, he's mad about me.

Here are some that touched my heart...

Matthew 5:4

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

Psalm 18:2

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I need to remember there is not a time line to grief and mine is different from yours. Grief surely can consume you... It's how you choose to deal with it that determines how you heal. For me, I choose to keep my baby in my heart and my mind and have the best comfort that my baby is in the arms of my Savior. 

He knows...

I wrote my blog earlier... Feeling down in the bumps and sad and missing my baby and the what ifs... God reminded me so many ways tonight that I am loved... That I have affected people just by opening up and sharing my story. By a few gifts I was given by a friend whom I hardly know but has been moved by my story... To a little picture another Friend drew for me ... To the mug my dad found today out of the blue... To a text from a close friend just reminding me of Gods promises... To happening to listening in to a live devotional and it hit very single point I needed to hear... Thank you God... You do know all I need.... 

Christmas Baby Blues

Like any grief, a miscarriage brings the same emotions.  I thought, I'll be ok.  The holidays won't be an issue because, well, my baby  never made it to the holidays, so I won't be missing anything.  I will be fine, and just time will go on, and we will get through this, no problem! 

Wrong.  I had no idea that I would have these feelings.  I am so loved and so supported by friends, family, and a community of other mommy's of angels.  I lost my baby at only  8-9 weeks...  But it was long enough to know I loved every single little hope, dream, and minute of that baby's life. 

My heart and my body have been longing for our little one lately.  I don't dread the holidays, I don't dread Christmas.  I am just sad.  Yes, all in God's time... Yes, He knows my hearts desires... Yes, the pain of losing a baby, no matter how far along, is something that never goes away.

This Christmas in all the hussle and bussle, don't forget there are those out there with broken hearts.  Be patient if they get a little down or don't want to go here or there.  Don't get on them because maybe they don't want to decorate the Christmas tree.  Love on them when they get tears in their eyes from watching the little loved ones they have in thier lives enjoy the magic of Christmas.