I have been once again slammed with this feeling. This bitterness when I see someone who is pregnant... Whose baby will be here soon for them to hold... Whose body didn't fail them... Whose heart didn't get shattered... It's an awful feeling.. and one that I immediately must pray about when I feel that way... I almost feel that I need to ask forgiveness for the bitter feeling that I get inside. It is almost unbearable.
God knows my heart.. He knows I am still and may always be healing. This past week at church we sang this song, the same song that was played two days after I found out I was pregnant (the day I got baptized actually), the weekend of the ladies retreat while I worshiped and thanked and God for this blessing, (two days before I found out our baby didn't make it) and the Sunday after my miscarriage, as I was in church and my husband and I clung to each other and cried... I remember writing on Facebook that night that sometimes the best time to start to heal is worshiping our Lord, holding the one we love the most, and just letting the tears roll down our faces... The words go, "Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain and I can't control, I want more of you God, I want more of you God..."
This weekend at church it was sing again... I stood in the hallway and wept... My heart broke and all the tape, bandages, glue, holding it together fell off as it just splintered and burst.
Any time I hear this song... my heart just ACHES to know Him more... I have grown closer to him in this heartache... but at times I feel that pull back... the doubts, the anger, getting directed towards the one who has a plan for ME. For US. For this baby who is with Him in Heaven, who I will see one day.
This week has been tough... We have been able to try again, and every month that goes by and we are not pregnant AGAIN brings me back to the heartache of the two years that we tried to have a baby and failed. There are so many emotions... So many tug of war games going on in my head...
It's at these times that I can only hand it all completely over to God and let him take it, because, to be honest, I can not handle it... I am human. I am not perfect. I am a mother who lost a baby. I am a wife who is sad because I couldn't bring our baby home. I am a daughter who wanted to be the mother to my baby that my mom is to me. I am an aunty who loves her baby loves just a little more and needs to see them often to feel ok. I know, I KNOW that there is a reason...
These writings are not to get pity. That is the last thing I want. I write so people who have not walked in these shoes may know how to react to someone who has. They are not easy shoes to wear. Everyone has a different path in life, different shoes.
I am healing. It will take me time. Take those around me to continue to hold me up when I need it. It will take lots of praying... But this is all part of it. This does not define who I am... But it will forever be a part of me. Forever.
